I won't share your address with anyone. Cross heart and hope to die.
*************************** All Jokes That Don't Fit a Catagory
All Jokes That Don't Fit a Catagory
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students .
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
A cop was patroling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her .. what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Here's a new telephone greeting I'd like to hear on all company's answering greeting with their name. Wouldn't it be something, if this caught on, all over the country...?
"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA."
"Press "1" if you speak English."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says,
"Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin finally realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back. "No, I'm not a shark anymore. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian."
The Power of Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.